Blog 25: Wobbly Legs …

Posted on Mar 18, 2013

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Today as I was looking out my window – I am very lucky to be back in Australia for a short while in a beautiful apartment overlooking the ocean – I became mesmerized by a gorgeous little girl in a white hat and bright pink outfit who was teetering at the top of the stairs willing herself to walk down them to the beach.

Although I was a distance away I could see her little legs going from side to side her hands seeking something to hold on to, yearning for some support to follow her little short term dream.

I looked around for her mum who I saw watching her from a seat about 5 metres away, pregnant and obviously wanting a rest from what I would assume is a very active toddler.

The little girl ran over to her mum a bit unsteady on her feet. Fell over and picked herself up again and then her mum wiped the sand from her hands. She ran back to the top of the stairs looked over at her mum and at each person passing by. Every now and then she would focus back on the task at hand until someone else walked by where she would give her focus away to how that person may affect her, wondering if she needed protection or if they would help her or if they would walk on by. They would all walk on by.

I found myself willing this little one to take the step to freedom.
Yes she might topple and fall. But she would pick herself up again.
I just wanted her to have the self confidence to do it.

Then when she didn’t have the desired self confidence, I felt myself willing the mother to just get up and support her. To help her take her first step and perhaps her 2nd until she built the confidence.

Instead she kept looking for the support that wasn’t coming and as soon as she was so focused as to take the first step on her own her mum got up and started to walk away … the little girl running off to follow her.

I saw myself in that.
My inner child desperately wanting to find her feet with her health and relationships, wanting people walking on by to notice her and perhaps offer a word of encouragement or even just acknowledgement.

While the adult in me doesn’t lend a hand. She just rushes off to the next thing to do, the next country to visit, the next piece of work to do …

So instead of running on the beach, chasing birds, getting dirty, feeling joy and being one with nature, the little girl just gets to follow an adult whose will is driven by very different values. Order in a chaotic world, minimizing the workload (ie dirty clothes means energy spent on cleaning – not my favourite thing!), watching the beach but not becoming one with it.

And where is the joy in that?

Abandonment is the word that comes to me when thinking what I am lacking and what my inner child can teach me. Pure, joyous abandonment.

Not worrying how this will impact or that will impact, but having the self confidence of doing it anyway.

Lately I’ve been struggling to find what I find ‘FUN’ anymore.
I’ve been feeling very sad and lost that through my health I feel very restricted in being able to have fun the way I used to … going out with friends, getting my drink on and being entertained (or becoming the entertainment lol).

For some reason that doesn’t seem fun to me anymore.

February and March are my favourite times in Adelaide, Australia, as we have the Fringe Festival, The Arts Festival, Pop up bars and restaurants everywhere, the garden of unearthly delights, Outdoor Festivals … the place really comes ALIVE.

And I sat in my gorgeous apartment, quite content to watch the ocean, watch some movies, my fave shows on DVD to make me laugh, connect with a few friends who would venture out to visit me, and I even popped out for dinner sometimes.

Certainly no abandonment there.

And I felt ripped off.

My inner child didn’t quite have the strength, skills and knowledge of how to take a step into pure abandonment. And my adult walked away… or in this case stayed at home.

Just like I willed that gorgeous little girl to take what seemed like such a huge step, wobbling on her unsteady legs towards pure abandonment, I will myself to do the same.

I do it in business.
I now need to do it for myself.

Now I just need to get my ‘adult’ on board to support me in strengthening those wobbly legs to take the first step towards one expression of self confidence … pure abandonment.

Pure, joyous, childlike, abandonment.
There goes my adult … she’s already walking away.