Blog 18: Acceptance or Blame

Posted on Sep 12, 2012

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It’s very humbling getting migraines all the time (1-2 x per week). I get to see my absolute darkest side when trying to deal with life through the pain and how it effects those around me.

It actually really upsets me the way I sometimes speak to people, especially those who work for me when trying to deal with what should often be very simple things that somehow become huge problems … through the fog and pain.

Its murphys law that when I wake up with a migraine there are so many small things that happen to exacerbate the pain during this time … and all at once. Like today.

I posted this on fb …

Murphys Law … wake up with shocking migraine, dog walker comes early. Sorted. Leave door open for staff & go back to bed … she just keeps knocking louder and louder so have to go and open unlocked outside door down the staircase and through the garden, when can hardly see 2 feet in front of me. Sorted … text message from driver he cant find something really important for guests that should be bloody easy … phone call, 6 text messages over an hour. Stressful … finally sorted … cancel hair appt. … dog walker gets back and washes Bruce and starts blowdrying him with new special dryer outside my room … down the stairs again sorted … staff needs money for shopping, down the stairs again … sorted … tablets starting to kick in take the edge off … but completely stuffed … staff speaking loudly on phone right near my room, chopping things sounds like big banging drum reverberating in my ear … check my emails quickly trying to see the words forming … few quick responses … sorted. The moral of the story … be thankful that I have someone to walk my dog and clean him, someone to clean up and cook for me and … go back to Australia before I run out of drugs! ! Zx

 

I find it so uncanny that all the things I’ve set up to support me in life seem to make a few hours of pain (well more than a few) actually twice as bad when sitting in the body of pain. And it struck me how this happens all the time in life… with any sort of pain.

When we’re sitting in pain whether emotional, physical or spiritual the shadow side of love comes to bear … love is perfection which includes what we perceive as good and bad and we are either living in the positive or negative of this and sometimes both at the same time. It’s the law of balance and no ones fault … its just balance.

And when we’re in pain, it’s amazing to see what shows up.

On the one hand it can be those around us who want to help and show empathy and who do things for us or even just give us a hug. But so often especially with more intangible illnesses like chronic migraines, backpain and fatigue, we get the general happenings of life exacerbating our pain continuously.

I don’t have kids, but I can imagine so many mothers dealing with these things and that’s when the kids decide to play up, have friends over, have screaming matches with siblings etc. Probably not the time they decide to sit quietly and be loving and gentle and generous! Lol.

And in my circumstances it happens to be the one of 2 days that I actually get some support through a dog walker, staff who help clean and sometimes cook at my own villa… and  at the same time some basic things at work turn into a mountain of turmoil (at the backend only … of course the guests hopefully don’t see this!) rather than one of the 5 days that no one comes to the villa and I could sleep in peace.

So I find myself speaking so harshly to a staff member because he can’t follow simple instructions and come to me with a solution not a ridiculously basic problem that somehow cant be solved. And my first words to the staff who have come to help isn’t a big hug as per usual and how is everything in your life etc etc. It’s her getting her head bitten off because the door was open and instead of pushing it to see that it was open she knocked harder and harder for 2 full minutes…

I hate that side of myself. But it’s there. And it comes out with the pain. The shadow self.

Really it was my responsibility to have the information for the driver long ago so he wouldn’t have to chase and followup something so simple that he found hard. And I have just learnt a very simple and valuable lesson that no matter who we trust in life business is business so rather than rely on one staff member to know all these things, write them down. Because the person with all the acquired information will leave at some stage no matter how well you treat them … and it’s when you need this information that you will get a migraine! Lol.

Which brings me back to the purpose of pain.

The spiritual side of me knows intellectually that somehow this pain is in my life to serve me and it wont go away until I have worked through whatever it is.

The emotional part of myself thinks what a load of crap, and what on earth am I meant to learn through this?

So does pain always have to lead to something so in depth and spiritual? Or does shit just happen.

The other day a person I’m starting to get to know on a deeper level explained to me that it’s ok that I cant function 100% … that its not my fault I was in a car accident 5+ years ago.

As simple as that may sound, I realized Ive been embracing so many spiritual teachings around what I can learn from what Ive attracted into my life … and really with this thinking comes so much guilt and a long road of self discovery which quite frankly is daunting. And I think makes me a bit more intense than I need to be!

Does it always need to be so complex and difficult?

Do we need so much suffering to learn and grow?

You know what, I don’t think so!

That thinking to me comes more down the religious angle of guilt and fear based teachings in the guise of spirituality.

Granted I do know I have things to work on.

The pain has helped me see and accept my shadow self.

Everything happens for a reason etc etc.

I wouldn’t be in Bali running a business called Bliss Sanctuary For Women creating amazing spaces for women who need time to relax and rejuvenate … If that wasn’t somehow an extension of my own needs.

But from this moment I let go of the self blame I have somehow imposed on myself that this is my fault.

I take responsibility for my actions, say I’m sorry and declare to the world I am human when I treat people and myself badly and then write about it … and I’ll do it again. But I am aware and trying really hard. So I’m proud of that.

I do feel there is some level of pain we need in our lives to push us through to bigger and better things … and sometimes shit just happens.

It just is.

I just am.

And I’m going to enjoy the good … and be irritable and angry and sad at the bad.

I’m pretty sure it’s all part of this human experience we signed up for anyway.

As is chocolate icecream, which ALWAYS help me in these crappy situations, once the fog has cleared and I just need a sugar hit…

Much Love, Zoe xx

 

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