I love French Films! I haven’t watched nearly enough of them but they are so real and honest and beautiful, even in their tragedy. Just like life.
I just finished watching ‘Little White Lies’ which is the most amazing film I have seen in a long long time. The honesty. The sadness. The friendships. The pettiness we let our lives become that create distance not love.
I reconnected with the sadness within me about my own friendships.
I feel so much loss.
So many things unsaid.
So much separation.
My whole life I have valued my friendships above all.
Yet I am living in a different country on my own.
I have created this physical distance.
I am completely alone.
If I go to hospital who will visit?
If I die who will be there by my side?
Am I wrong to create this distance?
Am I letting down my side of the friendships I have had for so long?
Am I to blame for feeling such a lack of connection?
I rarely make calls.
And nobody has called me in more than a month.
We send text messages saying we will talk soon.
We ‘like’ a comment made to somebody else on facebook.
More and more messages are not returned.
I get more support about what I am doing by people I have just met.
I feel closer to people I have spent 1 week with than I do with those people I’ve known for 20 years.
The connection I have with some facebook friends is what gets me by when I feel alone in the world.
An overwhelming sadness surrounds the love that I feel.
But the truth is, I felt this separation before I left.
And I never would have had the guts or determination to leave without it.
In Little White Lies all the ‘things’ going on in their lives were more important to them than a friend who was dying. Rather than face up to their grief, sadness and loss they went on holidays and thought about their friend lying in intensive care only when it suited them. Then he died and they weren’t there by his side.
I don’t know if my biggest fear is to not be there for my friends and family or to not be a priority in anybodies life. That makes me selfish, yet I can’t help it.
Really my biggest fear is not to matter…
In the end my friendships are perfect.
I wouldn’t be here if they weren’t.